1 Week Anniversary

I am not ashamed to say that today I slept through the anniversary hour of our baby's arrival into this world one week ago today. That's the perfect way to celebrate, I think. Especially since I have not slept this many hours at once in my own bed for the entire week (three whole hours!!).

At 12:57 PM last Saturday I was alert and viewing everything happening around me with awe. The first thing that was different about this whole experience was that I walked to the OR. Who does that? For my past three c-sections, I have been drugged and prepped and wheeled to the OR for surgery. I have had psychedelic dreams (seriously, light show and all) while under the influence and barely able to keep my eyes open for when the baby makes it to the outside of my body. In this instance, the scary thing was not being unaware of what people were doing to take care of me, but being all too aware of what they were doing to me. I didn't know if I wanted to be able to take in so much information. What if I couldn't take it? The room I walked into was large with windows on one end, equipment in the center of the room, and just about everything was white. I kept fighting the feeling to slow down... we were really going to just go for it.

The nurse who had admitted us was there to help me keep me still when I got the epidural. She had been carrying around what I had thought was her purse, but she laughed and informed me that it was my "purse" which contained Demerol and would be my epidural pump. I learned that I would keep my epidural in until my last day in the hospital. That was also a new thing for me. I didn't know you could do that. I even had a "clicker" for when I felt I needed extra medication. I could click the button once per hour and get an extra dose of Margaritaville. Erroneously, I thought that I was supposed to click the button every hour or else I would get nothing... so the first couple of days, until it was reiterated to me that medicine was constantly being fed through my epidural, I was pretty loopy. I stopped clicking altogether because within minutes, I would be asleep or be dozing in the middle of a conversation with Josh. The nurse said that it would not make me as drowsy since the meds wouldn't be going into my blood stream, and my doc said it wouldn't make me drowsy, but the clicker and my own experience taught me that lah lah land was not too far away once I clicked the clicker.

So I'll spare you the details of the epidural... suffice it to say that my husband could not be in the room and the nurse said I had a pretty good grip on her arm. I think I probably should have said sorry at that point, but I don't think I did. I was too busy being tilted on my head by the anesthesiologist (going to shorten it to anes from here on out) who was trying to speed things up. They just kind of lie you on the table, flip up your gown over the wire that keeps you from seeing past your chest, and then everybody gets down to business. It's a weird thing to be so exposed and not have anybody react as they would in a different setting. I think I was being shaved when the doctor walked in and said hello... it was strange, strange, strange! He then said hello to everybody, introduced me to his assistant, did a little pep talk to the group, and then they all continued about their business. The anes was the main communicator and he was very high spirited... like a motivational speaker... and he was constantly reassuring me about how things would happen and they wouldn't do anything without informing me first. The nurse stepped out to get my husband and he was equally impressed with the room and then they really did just go for it.

Josh was very excited to be able to get most of everything that happened on video. He even got her being pulled out of my belly and taking her first breath. That kind of stuff just thrills him. I don't think he got that on any other child and I don't think he actually saw them come out of me except for maybe Zack. He was very excited throughout the whole thing. I remember everything clearly. I even remember the way it smelled when they started to cut me open with a kind of hot knife. Josh was really impressed. I would rather not talk about it. Give me a few more months.

On my first c-section, my mom reminds me that no one could come near me. I didn't remember that. I wouldn't let anyone touch me and to talk about it brought tears to my eyes and I had to leave the room. It was a very traumatic experience. So different from this last one. Talk about progress, both in medicine and in my own attitude and experience.

In previous deliveries, I was mostly in lah lah land and would wake up in another part of the hospital not knowing how or when I got there. The one thing I always remember, however, is the first sounds my babies make when they come out. That first cry invokes deep feelings of love and wonder and it's the only time a cry does that to me. This part was the same this time, but I was able to see and hear clearly without the fog. And then they take the baby away and keep them for four hours. I didn't know that... and this time I was anxious to see her again. I kept asking Josh how much longer for the four hours to be up. Plus, we were just in recover waiting for a room to open up. We didn't know how long it would be. Josh even joked about going to find a lowly stable because we knew even before we went back to the operating room that there was no room at the inn.

We finally did get our private room, and Josh loaded me up with juices and water and ice chips from the patient fridge by the nurses station. He took really good care of me the first night. Oh, yeah, and another thing that was different was that they put these shin guard things on your legs, plug them in, and they squeeze like a blood pressure thingy. Back and forth, over and over again... it's to help with your circulation. It was getting really annoying after the first day, and then when they took them off, Josh gave me the best scratch. Oh! Just remembering it makes the endorphins flow! My husband really stepped up this time, and I draw a lot of strength knowing he's thinking about me and my welfare. I sometimes forget that he is going through a lot along with me... I don't know if I could handle seeing him go in for surgery every time to grow our family, but he handles it very well.

My mom is a big help also. She's like a soldier, standing ready and willing to burp baby, change diapers, and hold baby until she sleeps. She's will wake up no matter the hour and do this over and over again. Just today, when Zoe decides that she's a big seven days old and no one can tell her to sleep if she doesn't want to but she really wants to sleep and if mommy could just keep nursing her every hour all will be well... my mom took her and told me to go shower. Man, that was the best shower ever! If I were by myself, I probably would have broken down and cried at that point. (The baby crying thing only invokes wonder on the first minute of the first day of delivery and then the honeymoon is over. You moms know what I'm talkin' 'bout.)

So I'm feeling good today... rested... clean... blogged... and looking forward to getting another week under my belt. My tummy will go down more, the nursing thing is already getting easier, and the true test of new parenthood will ensue with my mom returning home in five days' time. In one more week I'll be able to see that I can do this. That Heavenly Father designed incredible bodies. That time does heal.

Thanks to all who said a prayer, had a thought, spoke out loud, or brought gifts (food and otherwise) for us during this time. It is really nice to have family and friends to share this experience with!

And Joyeux Anniversaire au Zoe! We're happy you're finally here!