What smells like a**?

My husband and I have a few issues. I'm only bringing myself into this because I know I'm not perfect, BUT this blog is really about him and how he can't just say, "What stinks?" or "What is that awful smell?" or pick up a mop/broom/sponge and scour the entire house until he finds the offending smell and be done. No... my husband comes home from work almost everyday and says, "It smells like ass." (There I said it... in case you couldn't figure it out with the asterisks in place, but now that there's no question... I'm putting 'em back in because one of my issues is not being able to say that word without feeling like I'm cussing.)

It's usually the trash that stinks and then he just takes it out, but if the smell lingers, then I'm left to hear about the different ways we can eliminate the smell. The current strategy is to take advantage of the cold front that's supposed to hit this week by turning off the a/c and opening up all the windows to air out the house.

Now if you think I'm exaggerating or having a wife-vent moment, I'll give you a case in point...I got permission to tell this story, so no one need worry for the state of my marriage after this blog... it happened on my husband's birthday.

Sarah decided that it would be really cool if we could surprise Daddy by turning off all the lights and yelling surprise when he got home, but I said that he would know we were home if the van was in the driveway. So I called Josh to see where he was to gauge how much time I had to park my van down the street. When I knew I had enough time, I pretended like we were out and about and that we would try to beat him home. I could already hear the resentment in his voice that we weren't already home on his birthday, so I knew I had him.

We had all the lights turned off. Everyone had their hiding places picked out. The plan was to jump out and yell surprise as soon as Daddy turned on the lights. Sarah and Zack were all cloak and dagger peeking through the blinds and saying, "Here comes a car... oh, that's not him," and then a few minutes later, "Two cars are coming... oh, one turned. No, that's not him." And we're sitting in the dark all tense and giggling at the anticipation of it all. Finally, Sarah jumps up quietly yelling, "He's here! He's here! Hide!"

Now, once again, I must point out that I cannot hear. I have hearing aids, but I must not have had them on, or I was too far away to hear properly. What it sounded like to me was that Josh opened the door and started talking to Seth and I thought it was curious because he still hadn't turned on a light. What really happened was that he walked in and said, "It still smells like a** in here." At which point, Seth ran out joyously yelling, "Daddy!"

From Josh's point of view, he about jumped out of his skin realizing that he wasn't alone on his birthday after all. When I got the story from him later that night, I laughed and laughed. It still makes me laugh. We were laughing about it today after I presented him with my latest coupon find...

I bought a $12 Lysol Neutra Air FreshMatic Starter Kit with a $5 coupon. Not the best deal, but worth it for me to help my husband with his issues. One being that he shouldn't cuss even when he's by himself, and the other being -- dude, you talk to yourself? I haven't done that since I was 5 years old trying to keep the boogie man away when I had to go all the way upstairs by myself to shower before bed. I'd pretend to talk to my mom so that the boogie man would know that I wasn't alone and it would keep him from attacking. I digress... what I meant was that I it was worth it to me to show him how proactive I can be about the smell in our house. And the smile on his face when I gave it to him was worth all $7 bucks and then some.

This air freshener dealy can be set to spray automatically at different intervals. Every 9, 18, or 36 minutes the air will be filled with a fresh scent that "neutralizes odors in the air from odor-causing bacteria." There's an a X Press Boost Button which you can push whenever you need it to "deliver an extra boost of freshness" which sounds suspiciously like "whenever someone passes gas" to me. This little wonder comes with batteries and a can of fresh scent that goes inside. It's completely portable or you can mount it on the wall. Josh put it on the wall high above the kitchen trash.

I was a little worried about the smell. I am very sensitive to smells and not just because I'm pregnant. There are some smells that will just plain give me a headache (that once popular perfume Poison being one of them), and some smells that are OK at first and then I can't take it anymore. Well, this one smells very nice. It's a happy smell. I can always tell when the spray has gone off (we set it to every 36 minutes) because I turn into one of those dorks in the Febreeze commercials smiling sweetly with my eyes closed. It smells great!

I'm a little confused about why I wasn't the one constantly, I mean, frequently complaining about the smell. I could tell when I had cooked with oil and that smell isn't a nice one when it lingers, but I just couldn't justify Josh's use of the word a** to describe how our house smelled. Today I was sitting on the little trampoline that is right by the front door and the shoe rack. And I smelled it! It was like someone's dirty underwear! (See, I don't have to use the a-word.) Ugh! So nice to have the mystery solved. It's the shoes!

We're going to have to rethink the whole shoe storage thing. Josh is supposed to build a bench that houses all shoes. Maybe we can enclose it with air holes and then stick one of those automatic air fresheners in it. Maybe we can patent the idea and make tons of money. Definitely a market for it in Hawaii where people take their shoes off at the front door. Would you buy it?